Reality bites.

I really don't know what to do. Love is so hard. Every kind of love.
I love and I care, but I'm not happy, I'm not interested, I'm just bored and frustrated and annoyed. Sometimes, I think it'd be better if he was cheating on me, because maybe then I would get interested, or at least he might have found someone else that made him happy and I would be free without having to hurt him. I really want to be free, and I don't know how I'd feel anymore without him. Before, I couldn't bare the thought--there were times where it wasn't even an option--and then it happened a few times. Those times were horrible and we always ended up together and O.K. in the end. He's my best friend, who I tell everything to, and apparently we can't just be best friends without the attraction, or without saying "I love you" and getting jealous over other people. But what if it could be that way? I really just don't want to hurt him and if I do, it'll kill me a little bit on the inside. I don't want him to be alone or unhappy or feeling sick over the thought of me with someone else.
But that's what I want. And this is all so hard. Especially since he's spent the last few days not even talking to me. Because things come up that he thinks I know everything about, but he hasn't told me. His roommate leaving forever so they have to go drinking all night and then the next night spending the entire night at the going away dinner. Which he said he was leaving "soon" the last time we texted, yet he never ended up calling. Both of those days were days he had off, days he could leave messages online, but couldn't bother calling me. Those days, he always has an excuse. And I get a message today, too, and a link to a youtube video, and him calling me "love." First of all, he has time to go online, youtubing videos? I really just want to say some horrible things along the lines of you stupid fucking shit fucker.
Or something like that. See how hard this is? And I still can't say I don't want to be in this anymore. Because of HIM. Because I don't want to hurt HIM. How messed up is this? Moving on.

It's Spring Break and today was pretty much horrible. I looked bad, wasted time going to campus to get something I lost only to have the library closed all week, people really can't drive, I mean REALLY, so that just pissed me off. Geez. I wanted to end with something good, going through some nice plans to treat myself, to distract myself, to be too busy to even be available for him, and to have a nice spring break.
But I'm just too mad right now. Maybe later.