Very busy, which makes me happy.

I wasn't expecting to start with this, but it's fate, honestly.

After a hectic trip to Ikea for new bed stuff, we stopped by Target and I got this wonderful treat. I haven't had these in forever, but I've never tried the French Vanilla--it's delicious.

I've already had like 5. Yes.

This is the part of the Ikea trip where my mother returned something we just bought and I lounged with everything else in one of the couches. The duvet cover I originally wanted was all out, so I picked a white one--which was too see through for my red striped duvet at home. That's when we went to Target and got a different one. Up there is one of my pillows and the lamp shade (have to wait to get the right light bulb. for some reason, Ikea always uses different and odd light bulbs, making it very difficult). And there's my leg {tights} and my awesome shoe.

And this is my new bed. It doesn't look as good as the black and white set Ikea had on display which is disappointing, and it's so weird for it to be different.

This is the best before picture I could find. That was my old duvet, just for reference and contrast. And those were the Easter eggs I had to find. So weird.

So anyway. I realized a long time ago that I get sort of depressed when I'm not doing anything. When I was about fifteen or sixteen, something was going horribly wrong. Could have been my insulin resistance messing up all of my hormones even more than teenage-ism, just the teenage-ism, or something else. But every weekend I would get horribly depressed and I remember crying all weekend, getting extremely angry and having to throw things to calm down. It was just built up so much that I needed something to get it out. I even cut myself for awhile (I really can't believe I did that, or that I'm admiting it now, but maybe that's something I have to do). I don't know if I was ever depressed when I cut myself, but I know I was angry sometimes, and other times I was just curious for the whole self-mutilation. Only one person ever found out (I told some online friends just because it was easier, but it wasn't the same). I had gloves on and my friend Lily was joking, asking if I was hiding something and tugged up the right hand glove, finding nothing. I clutched my left arm to my side, telling her to stop, but she wouldn't, and she saw. She was really shocked, and all our friends were there, but they didn't see. She hugged me though, and said sorry, and maybe she really tried after that. I'm not sure. That wasn't even the point of this, the point was that I'm starting to get back into that. When I'm at home and not doing anything, particularily on the weekends, when I have to deal with my parents, when my friends are going out with each other and not inviting me along, I just start getting really bad. I'm feeling depressed and angry at those times (I feel good right now) and I can cry for a long time, and I have trouble sleeping. When I mention being depressed, I don't mean the psychological term--I don't know if it's that bad. No one notices anything, and every day something happens that just makes it worse in the end. Maybe it's really bad when the only person that asks how you're feeling, if you're O.K., and look like they actually care is the cashier at the grocery store.

So yeah, when I have classes to go to, and when I can get into my homework, when I have plans, and go out all day, I'm usually fine, sometimes even happy. I just got home a few hours ago, and since then I've been watching some shows, cleaning, putting my new bed together, etc. I still need to shower (maybe, not sure when I'll do this), and finish The Metamorphosis. It's only 7:36, but I'll probably play Pool or Literati for a bit, then finish the story, then shower. Hopefully my parents will both be in bed by then and I can pop some popcorn and finish Milk. The story is actually good, I read it once before, but I've forgotten the details and what-not. I laugh out loud when Kafka talks about Gregor's (is that his name?) legs just flailing around uncontrollably (because he's a giant bug and all).