Fucking christ.

I am just so mad all the time. I've said this before, but really, I couldn't give a fuck. Because obviously it's not gone. Not like anyone actually reads this anyway, so what does it matter? I'm mad at my friends because I am always the one that calls, that texts or facebooks, the one that invites anyone to do something--no one ever asks me, unless it's convienient, like for a class. I have another friend that's never around, I just want him to get online so we can talk about a bunch of useless things because I'm just so over school. So done with getting up early and going through things I really don't care about anymore. I guess I'm still mad that the "best friend" I used to have still isn't talking to me. I don't even think I want him to talk to me anymore. If he just suddenly called, then what? What would happen? I mean, it's not like there's anything to salvage. I don't want my time wasted anymore. My mom of course had to go "I don't think I'm getting you that thing for your birthday that you've been thinking about for a long time now because BLAH BLAH" fuck you. She's doing it anyway, but sometimes people just make me want to never leave my room. I mean, if it all matters that much, then fine, just don't get me anything. Just don't talk to me anymore, don't even pretend like you care when you see me walk in the building at school, obviously I'm not your best friend, I never will be. I want to stop obsessing with things, to be able to sleep without the TV on, to not have nightmares about tornadoes and serial killers all the time. I want to do something fun. I want my mom to at least remember taking my AE all access pass number and registering it online under her name so that I could at least access it, all of it, which is signed up for under my name and phone number. I mean, really? Why did she fucking do that? Now I can't even look up how many points and discounts I have right now. Yeah, thanks, that was a smart move there. Just fuck everybody right now. I don't know how I haven't killed myself already. I even try talking to someone just once, actually telling them part of my life, and why I couldn't stop crying at the time, and she was just like "Oh that sucks, well I had friends in elementary school." um. Okay. That's fucking awesome for you, but I know you have too many disorders to count anyway, but I'm talking about me, and you know what, I'll mention you when I fucking blow my brains out. Oh wait, of course I won't, because I don't give a fuck. And you know when the last time my parents knew anything about my "feelings" or "life"? Me either. I remember crying once and trying to avoid my parents, when I was like eight years old. I thought kids that young actually went to their parents and asked for help, but I didn't. I don't know why. I remember I tried to choke myself sometime around then too. Because all my friends weren't my friends and they were all hanging out with each other without me, just like now. My newphew is detached and seems just like I did when I was a kid. He's not affectionate, but he's not angry or anything. He does cry about things a lot, just little things, and you can sort of see some problems he might have. I hate when my parents even try to touch me in any way. We don't say I love you, and my brother's the same. I feel the urge to say I love you to people, to be affectionate, but I don't have anyone. And anyone I even know doesn't like to be touched, or just isn't that way. But then again, whenever I mentioned something, my friends pretty much said they didn't like it, or just didn't do that, but then they'd talking about how they'd done it a few weeks later. I'm just at that point where I'm just sick of everything and I don't know what to do. I'm only happy thinking and obsessing about the next few weeks, not even thinking about my future anymore. I don't even know what's in my future. Apparently, that's one things tornadoes in dreams can symbolize. Mostly they're just uncontrollable and destructive, representing problems that you can't do anything about, or a future you don't know about. I tried to look up dreams about serial killers, but only got chase dreams, where you're being chased by someone. It's not like that, though, it's always a serial killer who's after me, or just someone, but maybe I'm just there, and it's been through several ways. I'm not as emotional as I was a few minutes ago, but I'm not better. I still feel sad, alone, etc. This sounds like a stupid emo angsty post, but whatever. I was really happy not that long ago, and felt great all the time. But now, it's just like ugh at everything, all the time. And no one knows, or if they do, they just don't care enough. I guess they couldn't do anything anyway. I just want to spend a lot of time alone. I also want some vanilla ice cream. I wanted to pick my cake out tonight, and a duvet cover from Ikea, but I wanted to talk the options over with a friend, just because it helps me clear my own mind and see what I really want. I'm listening to Chimacum Rain by Linda Perhacs and it's great, fits these emotions perfectly. It was played on Gilmore Girls when Rory gets yelled at by Dean and he closes the door and she turns away, walks to the sidewalk and just stands there frowning, looking up at the sky and watches some balloons fly by. I want to download it but can't find it on Limewire and refuse to pay iTunes. I want to do that thing where you just list off things you want to say to people without saying their names or anything. Okay, actually, I started to. I got to "1." then I couldn't think of what I actually wanted to say. Anyone I can think of, I just don't want to say anything to them. I'd just stare and walk off. I want to go for a walk, that sounds nice. Around some trees, some leaves. Fall asleep in the grass. Die. Maybe. I just want to keep talking to here, to figure out life and everything, know what I want right now, in the future, from people. To figure out if any of it is actually worth anything. Right now I feel like going up to TR and just sitting there and talking to him. I dreamt about him too. We were in the music store I thought he might go to sometimes, playing instruments, and we talked, and he said he noticed how I observe people, watch them and study them with just my eyes, and we both knew he was meaning him in particular. It was really nice, made me feel really good. Too bad life isn't actually like that. Too bad he probably makes that eye contact with me and thinks I need to get a life, that I'm ugly and probably stupid and he wishes I wouldn't be there anymore. Too bad no guy I actually have any interest in will ever come up to me and just start talking like that. Or a guy I'd even consider. Sure, I get hit on and looked at--by men who should go to jail for it. I mean, yeah, I'm of legal age now, but I'm only eighteen and they're usually in their 30s or 40s and sometimes really creepy. Someone I know made a comment about someone she was best friends with just a few months ago, and said something about just getting fucked over again. I don't think she knows what getting fucked over is really like. By everyone you ever thought was your friend, by your family, by anyone you've ever known. Of just being completely alone a lot. I'm done with everyone. So many words, so many dreams. Also still pissed off at the people that work on the share magazine. Get your fucking shit together. The real world is going to rip you a new one for shit like this. damn. At least update the website and tell people what the fuck is going on. My goal for the next few weeks is to compose a new song. I've composed one song on piano with the help of my teacher, who I miss. I would love to come up with something else and share it with him. He'd be genuinely proud. I don't even think any of my friends or family has listened to it. Do people really give a shit about that stuff? Whatever, I do, and I'm going to come up with something else.